Life, the universe and everything... and sometimes nothing at all... which is still all of those things.

 

A letter to my coworker who is giving me the silent treatment because “I will never understand until I procreate” AND I’ve been ordered to stand down by the people above me so I can’t yell to her face:

Yours is not the first vagina to spew a shitmachine into the world. Get over it. Yeah, it sucks that he was sick but you had 3 days to find a sitter for Monday if the antibiotics didn’t fix that whole STREP THROAT problem. It’s not fatal, you just don’t want to come to work. I don’t even have friends and I could have found someone to watch.

The fact that you have the balls to yell at me for being pissed off that YOU FUCKED ME OVER FOR THE 6th CONSECUTIVE PAYROLL MONDAY and that I HAVE COVERED FOR YOU 20 TIMES since January 2nd. You think I’m mad now because you’re cunt that can’t come to work… You wait. I’m vindictive and I have nothing I care about here. Silent treatment? Just be glad I’m over the faze where I vandalize people’s cars in unrepairable ways.

Am I being childish? Sure. But I am done covering for you, that’s it. I will not sneak your ass in anymore. I will not let 90 minute lunches slip by. I will not come at your beck and call because you took a water pill and have to pee - drown in your urine. I am not rearranging my life for you anymore. You do nothing for anyone else. You are the worst coworker I have, and I will never fight for your job again.

You are going to not have a job to support your precious spawn. How d’you like them apples bitch?

PS: Everyone is on my side, they’re fed up with you too. And some of them have kids too.

It’s no secret that I’ve been extremely discontent in my life for some time now (today is no exception, and I might run over a coworker tomorrow for yet again never coming to work). I’ve had a lot of time to kill while lying awake at night and all mornings before I have to get up. This is what I’ve decided is the problem:

THE ECONOMY.

If the economy didn’t suck then I might have a chance at being happy.

My boyfriend situation would be different. He might actually get paid a living wage so he could maybe support himself and maybe contribute other than cleaning the whole place, doing the dishes, etc. It’s not that I don’t appreciate these things but I could really use some financial help too.

If he got time off EVER (good help is hard to find) he might actually not be too tired to fuck me. I haven’t had a good kiss in 6 months and I haven’t gotten laid in 6 weeks. Fuck that.

Why am I with him? I’m afraid that my car will break again/more/still and I can’t afford to fix it without him doing all of the labor for free. I can barely afford the parts. I’m staying with a mooch for car repair purposes.

My job situation would be better. I wouldn’t be in West Virginia, I wouldn’t be below the Mason-Dixon line, I wouldn’t be here in this fucking dead-end crap hole currently (and still) under various investigations. Hell, if the economy didn’t suck they might have the money to finish the investigations and close this shitbox down.

I might even get paid what I’m worth. I’m one of the lowest paid salaried employees and I’ve been here longer than most everyone AND I’m more educated AND I DO MORE. I show up to work, every day. I do my job. I even do my job when I get shanghaied into other people’s jobs when THEY NEVER COME TO WORK.

I want to find a better means of work in a better place to live. Isn’t that the American Dream? Shouldn’t be too much to ask for but apparently in 2014 it is. Because we are broken.

You know who broke the economy? Bush. Know who keeps it broken? His GOP cronies and the Tea Party (which is a bastardization of the original, and the original is my family fucking legacy). Know who gets blamed? People that were not in power at the time of the fuck up and anyone who votes with human interest and community in mind.

I am tired of other people’s needs and interests outweighing my own. I need change. I need some fucking help. I need to get the fuck away from here and everyone.

Everyone needs and my number never fucking comes up so I’m stuck, so completely and utterly depressingly, stuck.

I don’t know that I’ve ever had a more accurate horroscope before… Except I think people are aware, mainly because that whole explode part? Yeah, I slammed open the glass door this morning so I suspect the office knows I’ve reached my limit.

I don’t know that I’ve ever had a more accurate horroscope before… Except I think people are aware, mainly because that whole explode part? Yeah, I slammed open the glass door this morning so I suspect the office knows I’ve reached my limit.

I hate not being able to say the things I want to say because of “good taste” or “respect” or because if they happen it’s considered “pre-meditated.”

I hate my job so much right now that I’ve been fantasizing about my own death since I was woken up by work bullshit somewhere around 15 hours ago. If I die I don’t have to work, problem solved.

Yes, I am aware that this is extremely unhealthy.

No, I don’t care.

And no, this is not about suicide. The people I work for aren’t worth it. They are scum sucking pieces of shit that deserve to get run over by tanks (and backed over), they aren’t worth much else.

Bridesmaid dress that will never be worn again: $240
Dress alterations: $40
Heels for wedding: $27.30 (on sale with clearance discount)
Rehearsal dinner dress: $15.39 (on sale with clearance discount)
Rehearsal dinner shoes: $28.98 (on sale with clearance discount)
Plane tickets (round trip): $344

$695.67 total so far for one wedding… Why do people bother with all of this bullshit?? I mean, I’m aware that I could have spent more on the 2nd dress and both pairs of shoes so I’m fucking lucky but why the hell are other people required to go broke for the sake of other people’s “happiness?” I’m not that nice a person.

I’m still going to ship my dresses to my parents’ house before I fly, that way that’s one less thing to worry about (and they can handle any wrinkles before I get up there). That’s going to up my total but it’s a necessary evil - I’m not checking a bag of any sort because history has proven that just getting there is hard enough.

Weddings are stupid. I’m never getting married and if I do somehow manage to fall in love someday - which I doubt - I’m fucking eloping.

I was watching Family Guy last night and reaffirmed that “European Roadshow” is the best episode. It has little bits of everything that made Family Guy good during its original run (I’m less impressed with everything since it came back on). 

The double-decker bus scene has always been one of my favorite parts, mainly because I once took a tour like that in Berlin and the tour guide would go “And there’s the site of that book burning you may have learned about in history” and then proceed to talk for 10 minutes in German to everyone else. I have no idea what he actually said but we definitely kept going “We were invited! Punch was served, check with Poland!” in the backseats of the bus. 

My trip to Germany 9 years ago has been in the front of my mind a lot lately for some reason. Maybe I’m getting the travel bug again, it’s been awhile since I went anywhere [at all] and life is feeling stagnant. I’d like to see more of Germany but really anywhere in Europe would be nice.

It’s funny, I remember my trip vividly. Like I remember the tastes and the smells and weird happenstances and the inside jokes we developed over our time there.. but I’m having trouble clearly remembering my traveling companion. He was such a big part of my life for so long it’s weird to think he’s slowly being erased from memory..but the memories remain intact. The human brain is weird. 

World’s Best Receptionist

I have no business answering phones and the company I work for are a bunch of dumbshits for thinking otherwise..

Call #1:

"Good afternoon, *insert ridiculously long company name*"

"Is this *insert doctor’s office*?" (read in a condescending southern accent)

"…No. This is the *ridiculously long company name*…"

"Where’d the doc’s office go?"

"…It was never here, this has always been our number."

"Let me speak to the doctor, missy." 

"There is no doctor here, you have the wrong number sir."

"No I ain’t. You listen to me sweetheart, this is always the number I call - " 

"Sir, it is not my goddamn fault that you cannot operate a phone and you have no business yelling at me just because you’re a moron."

"Give me the doctor now you bitch."

"Google the fucking number."

*click on my end, he was still bitching*

Call #2

"Good afternoon, *insert ridiculously long business name*"

"…"

"Hello?"

"…"

"Hello?"

"…"

”..Well fine then”

"Hi! Can I please speak to *insert full name of CEO horribly mispronounced*?"

"No, no you may not. If you don’t have common decency to respond right when I answer the phone you don’t have the right to talk to anyone."

*click, technically slam*

Call #3

"Good afternoon, *insert ridiculously long company name*"

"Uh, yeah, hi, this is *insert muffled name.* I didn’t receive my paycheck." (read in a vague sounding southern accent)

"…Pay day isn’t for another week."

"I get paid on Fridays."

"You get paid every other Friday."

"Where’s my check?"

"…You’ll see it when every one else get theirs."

"I need it now."

"Tough shit."

"I have to get a tattoo touched up, and pay child support - "

*click, also more of a slam*

 Call #4

"Good afternoon, *insert ridiculously long company name*"

"Gimme *insert name of a long deceased coworker - I’m not even kidding*" 

*click*

It is amazing that I still have a job and they still make me answer phones in lieu of the receptionist.