Life, the universe and everything... and sometimes nothing at all... which is still all of those things.

 

Saturday I received a mixed text from my sister. One of our cousins is pregnant with her first kid, one of our friends from elementary/middle/high school killed himself.

One text message, so much information.

I’m happy for my cousin, she and her husband are reportedly over the moon about the pregnancy and pumped to start having to chase after a baby in addition to their 2 boxer pups. 

The death thing though, the suicide thing. I don’t know how I feel about this, even now that I’ve had 3-4 days to let it sink in. I don’t feel mad, or sad, or much of anything. I frequently don’t when it comes to death, if I’m being honest, but I feel like maybe I should.

We hadn’t been close in the last few years, mainly since I moved away again 5 years ago. I still saw him frequently when I went home, we ran in the same type of crowds and in small towns everyone knows everyone anyway. 

We had multi-hour bus rides each day. We were some of the first people on and the last people off, a lot of time to waste. We sang along to the radio, tormented one another, and tried to see what we could get away with. 

He was always happy, or at least pleasantly stoned. At least that’s the way it seemed. I know that that’s how it works, people hide this stuff.. I know I do. I guess maybe my problem is that on some level is that I sorta understand. I mean I don’t, he did something I could never and would never do, but I do. 

I can’t imagine what his siblings are going through. He was a classic middle child and I know they relied on him to keep the peace (and bridge the age gap there too). They’ve posted pictures and haven’t said much of anything publicly - which is their right and I respect that. 

I’ve decided I am mad. Not for him killing himself, that’s his right and I don’t agree with it but it’s not my place to say. I’m mad because of how. He shot himself in front of his girlfriend. You don’t do that. Don’t make someone else watch that. I don’t know how their relationship was and the details don’t matter. She is never going to be the same, never.

An odd memory just popped up about him, when I was about 15 and he was 14. One of my ex boyfriends and tried to kill himself the previous night and I spent the whole school day in a haze. On the bus we chatted about it, he specifically said he didn’t understand how anyone could do that.

The attempt in the memory was a cry for help and not a serious attempt, why couldn’t we have just have had a near miss again. 

The first post on his facebook page was from a mutual friend: “will you fucking asshole”

Agreed. 

Just crawled through a vent at work I didn’t really fit through…this was pretty much my response.

Just crawled through a vent at work I didn’t really fit through…this was pretty much my response.

So, the wedding went well. And I had a post about it, a long one, well, it was about lots of things really, but tumblr’s app ate it and I don’t feel like going back and retyping it. 

It was a happy occasion, my brother cried when he saw his bride like the romantic sap he is. The open bar was heavily utilized. We stayed across the street from a brew pub, so we definitely spend time there the night before the wedding. My brother spent that morning hungover as hell, and deservedly so. 

No one fell walking down the hill, not even me. There was no drama, not even when she showed up 15 minutes late (the videographer asked if she had anything to say while we were putting her veil on and she just said “Mike I’m sorry I’m late and I can’t wait to marry you!”). 

The father of the bride gave a touching toast where the best man couldn’t (and he got a lot of shout outs). The groomsmen all also shared a speech… These crazy people think my brother is a saint - if only they knew. 

I had a better time than I was expecting to, and I’m happy with the way things turned out. The groomsmen are placing bets as to when the first baby will be… I’m hoping they wait till they’re settled in wherever they’re going, but I know they both want kids bad. I guess we’ll see. I may post pictures at some point in time.. some. Like if I find one of the hair-do I had that took an entire hour to do. 

Weddings are still too much trouble IMHO.. my sister is just going to elope, I look forward to that.

A letter to my coworker who is giving me the silent treatment because “I will never understand until I procreate” AND I’ve been ordered to stand down by the people above me so I can’t yell to her face:

Yours is not the first vagina to spew a shitmachine into the world. Get over it. Yeah, it sucks that he was sick but you had 3 days to find a sitter for Monday if the antibiotics didn’t fix that whole STREP THROAT problem. It’s not fatal, you just don’t want to come to work. I don’t even have friends and I could have found someone to watch.

The fact that you have the balls to yell at me for being pissed off that YOU FUCKED ME OVER FOR THE 6th CONSECUTIVE PAYROLL MONDAY and that I HAVE COVERED FOR YOU 20 TIMES since January 2nd. You think I’m mad now because you’re cunt that can’t come to work… You wait. I’m vindictive and I have nothing I care about here. Silent treatment? Just be glad I’m over the faze where I vandalize people’s cars in unrepairable ways.

Am I being childish? Sure. But I am done covering for you, that’s it. I will not sneak your ass in anymore. I will not let 90 minute lunches slip by. I will not come at your beck and call because you took a water pill and have to pee - drown in your urine. I am not rearranging my life for you anymore. You do nothing for anyone else. You are the worst coworker I have, and I will never fight for your job again.

You are going to not have a job to support your precious spawn. How d’you like them apples bitch?

PS: Everyone is on my side, they’re fed up with you too. And some of them have kids too.

It’s no secret that I’ve been extremely discontent in my life for some time now (today is no exception, and I might run over a coworker tomorrow for yet again never coming to work). I’ve had a lot of time to kill while lying awake at night and all mornings before I have to get up. This is what I’ve decided is the problem:

THE ECONOMY.

If the economy didn’t suck then I might have a chance at being happy.

My boyfriend situation would be different. He might actually get paid a living wage so he could maybe support himself and maybe contribute other than cleaning the whole place, doing the dishes, etc. It’s not that I don’t appreciate these things but I could really use some financial help too.

If he got time off EVER (good help is hard to find) he might actually not be too tired to fuck me. I haven’t had a good kiss in 6 months and I haven’t gotten laid in 6 weeks. Fuck that.

Why am I with him? I’m afraid that my car will break again/more/still and I can’t afford to fix it without him doing all of the labor for free. I can barely afford the parts. I’m staying with a mooch for car repair purposes.

My job situation would be better. I wouldn’t be in West Virginia, I wouldn’t be below the Mason-Dixon line, I wouldn’t be here in this fucking dead-end crap hole currently (and still) under various investigations. Hell, if the economy didn’t suck they might have the money to finish the investigations and close this shitbox down.

I might even get paid what I’m worth. I’m one of the lowest paid salaried employees and I’ve been here longer than most everyone AND I’m more educated AND I DO MORE. I show up to work, every day. I do my job. I even do my job when I get shanghaied into other people’s jobs when THEY NEVER COME TO WORK.

I want to find a better means of work in a better place to live. Isn’t that the American Dream? Shouldn’t be too much to ask for but apparently in 2014 it is. Because we are broken.

You know who broke the economy? Bush. Know who keeps it broken? His GOP cronies and the Tea Party (which is a bastardization of the original, and the original is my family fucking legacy). Know who gets blamed? People that were not in power at the time of the fuck up and anyone who votes with human interest and community in mind.

I am tired of other people’s needs and interests outweighing my own. I need change. I need some fucking help. I need to get the fuck away from here and everyone.

Everyone needs and my number never fucking comes up so I’m stuck, so completely and utterly depressingly, stuck.

I don’t know that I’ve ever had a more accurate horroscope before… Except I think people are aware, mainly because that whole explode part? Yeah, I slammed open the glass door this morning so I suspect the office knows I’ve reached my limit.

I don’t know that I’ve ever had a more accurate horroscope before… Except I think people are aware, mainly because that whole explode part? Yeah, I slammed open the glass door this morning so I suspect the office knows I’ve reached my limit.

I hate not being able to say the things I want to say because of “good taste” or “respect” or because if they happen it’s considered “pre-meditated.”

I hate my job so much right now that I’ve been fantasizing about my own death since I was woken up by work bullshit somewhere around 15 hours ago. If I die I don’t have to work, problem solved.

Yes, I am aware that this is extremely unhealthy.

No, I don’t care.

And no, this is not about suicide. The people I work for aren’t worth it. They are scum sucking pieces of shit that deserve to get run over by tanks (and backed over), they aren’t worth much else.

Bridesmaid dress that will never be worn again: $240
Dress alterations: $40
Heels for wedding: $27.30 (on sale with clearance discount)
Rehearsal dinner dress: $15.39 (on sale with clearance discount)
Rehearsal dinner shoes: $28.98 (on sale with clearance discount)
Plane tickets (round trip): $344

$695.67 total so far for one wedding… Why do people bother with all of this bullshit?? I mean, I’m aware that I could have spent more on the 2nd dress and both pairs of shoes so I’m fucking lucky but why the hell are other people required to go broke for the sake of other people’s “happiness?” I’m not that nice a person.

I’m still going to ship my dresses to my parents’ house before I fly, that way that’s one less thing to worry about (and they can handle any wrinkles before I get up there). That’s going to up my total but it’s a necessary evil - I’m not checking a bag of any sort because history has proven that just getting there is hard enough.

Weddings are stupid. I’m never getting married and if I do somehow manage to fall in love someday - which I doubt - I’m fucking eloping.

I was watching Family Guy last night and reaffirmed that “European Roadshow” is the best episode. It has little bits of everything that made Family Guy good during its original run (I’m less impressed with everything since it came back on). 

The double-decker bus scene has always been one of my favorite parts, mainly because I once took a tour like that in Berlin and the tour guide would go “And there’s the site of that book burning you may have learned about in history” and then proceed to talk for 10 minutes in German to everyone else. I have no idea what he actually said but we definitely kept going “We were invited! Punch was served, check with Poland!” in the backseats of the bus. 

My trip to Germany 9 years ago has been in the front of my mind a lot lately for some reason. Maybe I’m getting the travel bug again, it’s been awhile since I went anywhere [at all] and life is feeling stagnant. I’d like to see more of Germany but really anywhere in Europe would be nice.

It’s funny, I remember my trip vividly. Like I remember the tastes and the smells and weird happenstances and the inside jokes we developed over our time there.. but I’m having trouble clearly remembering my traveling companion. He was such a big part of my life for so long it’s weird to think he’s slowly being erased from memory..but the memories remain intact. The human brain is weird.